ernest hemingway

"walking across the square to the hotel everything looked new and changed. i had never seen the trees before. i had never seen the flagpoles before, nor the front of the theater. it was all different. i felt as i felt once coming home from an out-of-town football game. i was carrying a suitcase with my football things in it, and i walked up the street from the station in the town i had lived in all my life and it was all new. they were raking the lawns and burning leaves in the road, and i stopped for a long time and watched. it was all strange. then i went on, and my feet seemed to be a long way off, and everything seemed to come from a long way off, and i could hear my feet walking a great distance away. i had been kicked in the head early in the game. it was like that crossing the square. it was like that going up the stairs in the hotel."

i am having the best winter break. if i'm not out & about with lovely people then i'm in reading great books.

shameless reference to trash tv

according to an old episode of the o.c., the way you spend new years eve is the way you will spend the rest of the year. yeah, no pressure.

big bear lake

intense weekend in the mountains. i snowboarded until i could snowboard no more. i laughed until i had tears in my eyes. (jessica!!!) we left early on monday to avoid a pending snow storm, but that last morning particularly stands out in my memories. a pristine bleakness washed over the entirety of big bear lake, as the water mirrored the grey skies and the morning gave way to a strange stillness. i don't think my words are doing it any justice, but i don't have any pictures so my words will have to suffice i guess.

anyways, i am temporarily bedridden. everything neck down hurts like a mofo.

dear santa

i need this. but they're not selling it anymore because it's only on VHS! grandma killed santa for me when i caught her stuffing my stocking at the age of five, but, you know, if santa was real... this is what i'd ask for, along with the alexander wang fall 2008 collection. i don't think it too outlandish a request! :)

ps i'm well aware that this topic has been exhausted already, but finals suck ass.

strange dream

i had a dream last night in which i attempted suicide. i don't remember how i tried to do it, all i know is that i was in an intensely white hospital. my mom was next to me, sobbing and asking me why i had done it and whether or not i'll do it again. i said, quite lethargically, that i didn't know.

i don't know where this is all stemming from and i'm not suicidal (don't worry); i just thought it was worth writing down. seems like my dreams are either extremely mundane or extremely unsettling, never pleasant. last summer i had a series of dreams in which i was always lost or in search of something. i never did have one where i found what i was looking for.

thanksgiving

is good to me. i had originally planned on it being a whirlwind of activities, but i'm honestly just enjoying myself doing not much in particular. i like spending the afternoon with my mom, even though she made me clean the garage with her. (that was so disgusting!) i like shopping with my best friend. i like watching the food network with my sister. i like going to target by myself. uneventful moments like that. those are what i'm most thankful for.

in short, this thanksgiving i'm just really thankful that i'm alive. life is great.

with all my love

i feel very fortunate that i am surrounded by supportive and caring people. don't know how i would have dealt with the situation without the people around me. i can't thank my friends enough, and i can't express how happy i am to be going home for a bit.

i'm not one to dwell on things; when something bad happens i just want to move onward. i'll be okay. just, you know, thanks guys.

mensuro wo

look what i came across: the aya is a fern leaf emblem derived from ghana. it is a "symbol of independence, perseverance, autonomy, endurance, defiance against oppression, and resourcefulness. from the expression mensuro wo. literal translation: i am independent of you." i love it.

la belle êpoque

spent (literally) hours in the arts library today, researching possible topics for my history of photography paper assignment. i've narrowed it down to two (man ray & surrealism vs. amateur photography during early 20th century) but i'm still clawing my way through piles of books... definitely leaning towards the latter though. i love love love love lartigue's work. so much fun. i want to live in la belle êpoque too!


i just found out while googling these photographs that wes anderson was referencing lartigue in rushmore! another reason to love his work.

and of course, his most famous:

when i have my own home i am definitely going to buy a big print of this.

28 6 42 12

time goes by scary fast here. the weeks zoom by to quickly become just another blur in a hazy past. fall quarter's almost over, which makes me wonder just what i've been doing since being here. i never know how to answer when someone asks me how college has been. (i always end up just taking the easy way out: "good.") sometimes i can't help but wonder what the thirty year old me will have to say about what i'm doing with my life now. i hope they're good things but who knows.

guess i'm going to hell

i guess this is kind of a continuation of the last post, but i found a random flyer while cleaning my room just now. some excerpts:

"do not be like adam and eve who wanted the wisdom of the world (apple) , they died."

"anyway things will get worse and worse, more quakes, bad economy, fewer jobs, more floods, icebergs drifting, wild unstable weather, very cold temperatures, drought, more diseases, and yes war, america will soon be invaded by superpowers, many will die."

"to survive the hard times ahead do the following: pray at 3 & 7 am and 3 & 7 pm for all you love... to be saved say the following: dear JESUS, forgive me for my sins, i believe you died for my sins and rose again from the dead. come into my heart and be LORD of my life, amen."

i wish i was making this up, bad grammar and all.

let the struggle begin

i am probably two weeks late on posting about this, but i came across a website this morning, bluntly named godhatesfags.com. a great specimen of the intolerant, no-brain spectrum of religious conservative thought.

"WBC engages in daily peaceful sidewalk demonstrations opposing the homosexual lifestyle of soul-damning, nation-destroying filth. We display large, colorful signs containing Bible words and sentiments, including: GOD HATES FAGS, FAGS HATE GOD, AIDS CURES FAGS, THANK GOD FOR AIDS, FAGS BURN IN HELL, GOD IS NOT MOCKED, FAGS ARE NATURE FREAKS, GOD GAVE FAGS UP, NO SPECIAL LAWS FOR FAGS, FAGS DOOM NATIONS, THANK GOD FOR DEAD SOLDIERS, FAG TROOPS, GOD BLEW UP THE TROOPS, GOD HATES AMERICA, AMERICA IS DOOMED, THE WORLD IS DOOMED, etc."

i know it's horrible but i kind of laughed halfway through. completely ludicrous. i can't imagine actually believing this shit.

the infamous proust questionnaire

i recently got "influence" by mary-kate and ashley olsen. before you laugh at me for being a teenybopper fan, it's not a biography or anything cheesy like that. it's a book full of interviews with famous artists and figures in fashion conducted by the two. anyways, i thought this looked like fun:

"in the late 19th century, the french writer marcel proust stumbled upon a questionnaire called 'an album to record thoughts, feelings, etc.' proust answered the survey several times in his life, and helped popularize the relevatory questions, which became known as the proust questionnaire, as a way to uncover a subject's true characteristics and emotions ever since."

1. Your most marked characteristic?
big eyes. for an asian i guess.
2. The quality you most like in a man?
intelligence.
2. The quality you most like in a woman?
independence.
3. What do you most value in your friends?
support.
4. What is your principle defect?
i'm passive aggressive. and way too fucking sarcastic.
5. What is your favorite occupation?
i'm thinking rachel zoe has it pretty well.
6. What is your dream of happiness?
being perfectly content with life; traveling the world.
7. What to your mind would be the great of misfortunes?
to become dependent on someone, to be held back from doing what i want.
8. What would you like to be?
lauren hutton really answered that when she said "a wise woman."
9. In what country would you like to live?
every one of them.
10. What is your favorite color?
black.
11. What is your favorite flower?
poppies, and simple white daisies.
12. What is your favorite bird?
birds gross me out. i hate that jerky thing they do with their necks.
13. Who are your favorite prose writers?
i wish i've read more of his works, but i really like ernest hemingway.
14. Who are your favorite poets?
i hate poetry.
15. Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
holden caulfield.
16. Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?
ramona quimby.
17. Who are your favorite composers?
elliott smith. does he count?
18. Who are your favorite painters?
right now barbara kruger and jackson pollock.
19. Who are your heroes in real life?
grandma and miuccia prada.
20. What is it you most dislike?
stupidity, ignorance.
21. What natural gift would you most like to possess?
to be more musically endowed.
22. How would you like to die?
content with my life thus far.
23. What is your present state of mind?
bored. and i don't mean just at this moment either.
24. To what faults do you feel most indulgent?
it's called retail therapy.
25. What is your motto?
"so what." - andy warhol
26. Your name or Pseudo
high school friends call me chewy. dad calls me vivi.

starfish with its arms out in a daze

the first boy i ever really liked made me listen to this song. needless to say that was a long time ago and i don't like the boy that way anymore, but it still holds so much meaning to me. it makes me want to break down and cry but i love it nonetheless. (would also like to add that it's ten times more effective if you listen with your eyes closed.) after so many years it still never gets old. i always told my sister that i should have been born in the eighties, so i could have seen all of the great 90's bands while they were still active. so unfortunate that kurt and elliott had to die so young. even more unfortunate that i was in diapers when they were still alive.

on a side note, this fucking weather is driving me insane. i think i definitely have seasonal affective disorder.

i want to be kim gordon when i'm 50

those who know me well would know that i am kind of a tea aficionado. my current favorite is earl grey on a chilly night. anyways, it shouldn't be much of a surprise that i really want to try kombucha tea. sounds completely disgusting ("a symbiosis of bacteria and yeast," yum!), but i am curious nonetheless. i keep reading about it but i have yet to see it in any supermarkets. does anyone know where i can get a hold of some? has anyone tried it?

i will not pretend that i am well-versed in each of their 9000000 albums over the last two decades (i only have daydream nation and rather ripped) but... i've been listening to a lot of sonic youth lately. try listening to "do you believe in rapture?" if you ever find yourself walking around alone at night. i wasn't aware that there was a pleasant kind of loneliness, until now. and that's not all - watch this video. kim gordon and thurston moore are such BAMF's.

vito of south el monte

friday night i went to my favorite sushi bar, where i ended up sitting next to an old italian couple. shortly after the man introduced himself to us, and a conversation was started. vito has six kids and has been running a food distribution company (specializing in none other than... pizza), about two blocks away from my dad's company. the last time he met a vivian was forty years ago. one thing led to another, until he started telling me about how unfortunate nuclear weapons were. from there on we talked about the state of russia and the iraqi war. he didn't think he would live to see the iraqis achieve peace, but hoped that i would. i told him i was hopeful as well, but thought it highly unlikely.

as kids we were all taught to not talk to strangers, but i find that often times the best and most memorable conversations are with people i don't know. it's such a breath of fresh air to chat with someone who is in a completely different walk of life than the one you're in.

for better or for worse

saturday was fun. this is basically what i did in the afternoon:

and then the rest of the day got much more interesting.

i feel like some people embark on college with a determination to change their image, to take advantage of the fact that noone knows them and that they are getting the opportunity to start over. i honestly never intended to change myself, but i feel like i'm changing nonetheless. but like kim says, just have fun with everything now. so i am. :)

who needs ear drums anyways

i have recently become addicted to odwalla juices. i especially love the strawberry banana and orange honey passion... citrus c was a bit too sweet for my liking. will definitely try the original superfood next, even though i must say that the green thickness does not look too appetizing. if they weren't so fucking expensive and high in sugar i swear i'd have dozens lined up in my mini fridge. which reminds me... i need to get some more carrot sticks and ranch dip for late night snacking purposes. no more brownies or cookies or cakes for me at the dining commons! i can feel freshman fifteen looming over me.

songs to wake you up on a chilly tuesday morning:
- "timebomb" by beck
- "almost crimes" by broken social scene
- "black tongue" by yeah yeah yeahs
- "judy is a punk" by the ramones
- "deceptacon" by le tigre
- "aphrodisiac" by bow wow wow

i'm probably going to be deaf by age thirty.

how disappointing

i recently remarked after reading two of rené descartes' meditations that i may be reading the words of a genius. then i came across this:

"...i can infer both that god exists and that i am completely dependent on him for my existence from moment to moment. this inference is so obvious that i'm sure humans can't know anything more evidently or certainly. and now i think i see a way of moving from the contemplations of the true god, in whom are hidden all treasures of knowledges and wisdom, to knowledge of other things."

i feel like the more i hear about god the less i believe in him.

how proper

i decided to give blogger a try. quite frankly i don't see any point in maintaining a myspace anymore. noone uses that shit anymore; i certainly don't.

anyways, i am nearly two weeks into college. ucsb is gorgeous. my registration sticker came in the mail yesterday, which means i now have free access to public transportation around the area. a little exploration is definitely called for this weekend.